I Didn't Want To Be Saved
by Serethiel96
Summary: For him, the fear was very real. It slithered its way into his heart, clawing at his all too human emotions. That same heart felt like it was about to burst from his chest. And not in the good way that Dean had described not too long before. Spoilers for the 8x10 promo! Cas!Whump/ Pre-Destiel.


_**Whelp... I'm dead. I'm writing from the afterlife. I mean did you SEE THAT PROMO!? AND THEY EXPECT US TO WAIT 6 WEEKS! Yeah... Not okay with that! **_

_**So I don't really know why I wrote this. It just kinda happened.  
**_

_**Warnings: Cas!Whump (Sorry)  
**_

_**This hasn't been beta-ed so all errors are mine... It's 1 A.M. so...  
**_

* * *

Fear.

Some people say that it means false evidence appearing real.

For him, the fear was very real. It slithered its way into his heart, clawing at his all too human emotions. That same heart felt like it was about to burst from his chest. And not in the good way that Dean had described not too long before.

After all, Naomi was no pretty girl.

He tugged and pulled against the restraints holding his down to the chair to no avail. His wrists were becoming raw from the friction against the metal. He couldn't get free.

He could hear them. He could hear all of them, even over his own yells. Their voices, thousands upon thousands of voices, all screaming at once. Their words were accusing, their hatred evident. Some voices were familiar while some were not. Not that it really mattered. They all had one thing in common. They hated him. All of them.

"_It's your fault, Castiel!' _they wailed._ "Everything is your fault! Look what you did, Castiel! See how many of your brethren you slaughtered? You're no better than Lucifer! You deserved worse than Purgatory! You deserve worse than Hell!" _On and on the voices screamed.

"_Look what you did, Castiel!"_

"_You've destroyed everything, Castiel!"_

"_Traitor! Murderer!"_

And he believed them with his whole heart.

He didn't know how long he remained trapped in his personal hell in Heaven. The voices of his siblings never ceased, but seemed to grow louder as the time went on. Agony seemed too light a word to describe the pain coursing through his vessel's veins. It wasn't just physical pain, but a dark and emotional pain that weighed him down like led wings. Guilt had previously shadowed him everywhere he went, staying by his side as a constant reminder of his dark sins. The shadow was replaced by a multitude of chains, holding him down and caressing his body with dark whispers. _"Deceiver," _they called him. _"Liar. Murderer. Traitor. Betrayer. Adversary."_

And he believed it with his whole heart.

When his captor re-entered the white room with an angel killing blade held tightly in her grip, he shouldn't have felt relief. He didn't deserve relief. At least he didn't believe so. But that was the first thing that came over him. And he hated himself for it. Did he really think he could escape his sins through death? Would he really die in the first place?

As the blade drew closer to his eye, he was able to see the reflection of his own fear mirrored in the glint of the weapon. The icy and unkind sword began to slice into the corner of his eye; he hoped Naomi was satisfied with the droplets of blood that were running over the blade. He looked up at her face, emotionless and blank as a statue's. He was sure that he had worn such expressions in his time in Heaven. That soldier had died a long time ago. The soldier in his place was currently dying.

And he was perfectly okay with that.

His eyes closed as the blade was pressed even harder against the corner of his eye.

He didn't expect to open them back on earth. He was suddenly hunched over, barely able to keep his own balance. But as he straightened up, he was able to watch the world around him increasingly grow dark. He slightly swayed. The voices of his furious kin had ceased, only to leave a ringing in his ears.

Then, he heard it. The once voice that didn't tear him open from the inside out.

"Cas, you okay?" He was barely able to see Dean's face, much less the sudden concern that showed on his face.

The angel stared straight ahead. A warm trickle of blood made its way down his eye and ran along the contours of his face, but he made no move to wipe it away. His eyes slightly shifted to the hunter in front of him. Dean's increasingly blurry figure approached him. A hand was on his shoulder.

"Cas?!"

As his vision grew completely black, he softly smiled.

Then he promptly proceeded to lie.

"I'm fine, Dean."

* * *

_**Dean better kick Naomi's feathery tail... Anyways thanks for reading! Reviews make me happy! As always, you can find me on Tumblr! (Castiels-heart) **_


End file.
